Man, November went by so quickly, I can't believe it's almost over! Hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving - we did - thank you to Joan and Tom for providing a feast of epic proportions...it was wonderful. We bought our new tree on Friday morning - we braved the Black Friday rush in the hopes that we would get a killer deal, and we did. We put it up on Sunday and got it all fluffed out, and it looks awesome, but it is HUGE!! We definitely could have gone with a skinnier tree for the size of our living room, but c'est la vie. I'm almost done with the Christmas cards; they'll go out on December first, so be on the lookout :)
We went to get our ink fingerprints for the FBI on the 20th, and the officer that fingerprinted us looked so much like our friend Stoney, I almost had to ask if they were related! He was really nice, by which I mean he laughed at our stupid jokes and gave us a 50% discount on our prints. Y'all know how much I love a discount! He said that his brother and sister-in-law adopted three times from Russia, so he was very interested in us and he asked us quite a few questions about what kind of adoption we were doing and what our timeline was. He made it an enjoyable experience and the new ink washes off quite easily, so we didn't look like convicts the next day!
We had another class tonight, called Making Connections. The focus of the first half of the class was connecting with other adoptive parents and the second half was about being matched with birthparents. We met another nice couple, Karla and Vincent, who live close to us, and are going through the same program as we are. We got their information so we can keep in touch.
On Friday, I start my new job and then I have a meeting with our counselor right afterwards. We have each had to cancel this meeting once, so this time, I am bound and determined to get in there and get this accomplished! We are going to talk about my autobiography - my childhood and my family, etc...you'd think I would be a little nervous, but I'm really looking forward to it!
Our last required class is this Saturday, December 2nd at Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, and it's called Parenting a Child at Risk. I am so excited to finally finish our required classes; it felt like such a huge prospect when we started, and now it's almost over. It's sort of bittersweet, because we have met such awesome people and learned so much, but I will be so glad to on to the next steps. We still have to finish our online classes (one for me, two for Jer), but they are quick, so I'm not sweating that and we're going to take a class about infant care, but it's not required. After that, we only have our Dear Birthparents letter and our profile and we are officially "paper pregnant". Woo!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
What is open adoption?
Open adoption is a kind of family relationship. It is not a contract. It is a commitment that the birth family and adoptive family make to each other and the child. It is a commitment to be part of each other's lives.
It is reminiscent of a marriage. When 2 people marry, they are joining with each other and they are joining their families through their marriage. A child joins the adoptive family with the birth family. It is then up to the adults in this relationship to maintain the relationship with one another. The child is too young and powerless to do this. So the adoptive and birth parents make a commitment to one another so the child will be able to have connections with all members of his families.
Like all families, the kind of relationship members of the family have with one another varies. Sometimes, they have a very close relationship with one another. They visit each other's homes, attend family functions, attend birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, and inform each other of any significant change in your life. They recognize each other's birthdays; give gifts to one another at Christmas. This kind of open adoption relationship is considered an extended family relationship.
Members of a friendship open adoption relationship spend time getting to know one another, get together with one another, visit each other's homes, and keep in touch by phone and email. They may or may not recognize each other's birthdays, give gifts at Xmas. Usually, they are not included in family gatherings.
There is also an acquaintance open adoption relationship. People keep in contact with one another but it is usually through email and phone, letter. They may get together once a year.
Of course, like all kinds of relationships, open adoption relationships change over time. Sometimes the relationship feels like an extended family and sometimes like an acquaintance. Relationships need flexibility in order to survive. However, all recognize that they are family to one another and each person is important to the child.
Do all birthparents want an open adoption?
No. Expectant parents, like adoptive parents, have questions and concerns about open adoption relationships. Expectant parents often worry that having contact with the child will be too difficult for them emotionally. Some are worried that the child will become confused. Some believe that the adoptive parents really do not want them involved. Expectant parents already have much to deal with and the thought of having to form a relationship with strangers may seem like too much at the time. However, once they are through the initial shock of being pregnant and the crisis of planning an adoption for their child, birthparents often are happy they are in an open adoption or wish they had been in an open adoption relationship.
Are open adoptions legally binding?
These relationships are based on trust and respect and are not legally binding in Illinois. However, many birth and adoptive parents discuss the kind of relationship they want to have with one another now and in the future. Some like to write down these thoughts into an open adoption agreement. These agreements are reminders of their intent rather than a legally binding document that locks people into a certain way of interacting with one another. When relationships become obligations, anger and resistance develops.
It is always a good idea to have a plan. Although plans can be changed, they give everyone an idea where they are headed.
What are the benefits of open adoption?
Open adoption benefits the child. The child grows up knowing all the pieces of his family history. Children of open adoption, like biological children, grow up knowing their birth parents and birth relatives. The child has a firm understanding who he looks like, where his interest in baseball came from, etc. The child also knows that she continues to be important to her birthparents. There is no room to doubt whether the child's birth parents loved and cared for the child. Information about all aspects of the child's family history is also readily available. And this kind of ongoing relationship eliminates the possibility that the child may look at every man and woman who bears a resemblance to him and wonder is that my mother, is that my father. The child never has to wonder whether their birthparents would welcome them back into their lives for they are part of their lives.
What kind of problems occurs in open adoption relationships?
All families have problems. Open adoption families are no different. Often in the beginning of a relationship, people are not sure what to expect from one another. Birthparents are grieving the loss of their child. At the same time they are trying to figure out what their role is in their child's life. Adoptive parents want to help the birthparents with their grief but know that no one can. The adoptive parents are focusing on becoming the parents of the child. They are usually tired from sleepless nights. They also are trying to figure out how the birth family fit into the family structure. This is a time of great transition. Understanding how the other person feels and good communication is essential during these times.
What is a birthparent's role in a child's life?
When people are unsure of their connection to a child, they tend to consider what they are not to a child rather than what role they play in a child's life. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to be secure in their roles. If they are not, the child loses.
So what is a birthparent's role? It is important to look at the child's needs when establishing your role in the child's life. A child needs someone who is reliable. A child needs someone who makes promises and keeps them. A child needs someone who respects his/her adoptive parents. A child needs someone who remembers birthdays, holidays and other special occasions. A child needs someone who can tell them about his birth and family history. A child needs someone who is interested in his thoughts and deeds. A child needs their birthparents to love them and to just be there for them.
Open adoption is a kind of family relationship. It is not a contract. It is a commitment that the birth family and adoptive family make to each other and the child. It is a commitment to be part of each other's lives.
It is reminiscent of a marriage. When 2 people marry, they are joining with each other and they are joining their families through their marriage. A child joins the adoptive family with the birth family. It is then up to the adults in this relationship to maintain the relationship with one another. The child is too young and powerless to do this. So the adoptive and birth parents make a commitment to one another so the child will be able to have connections with all members of his families.
Like all families, the kind of relationship members of the family have with one another varies. Sometimes, they have a very close relationship with one another. They visit each other's homes, attend family functions, attend birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, and inform each other of any significant change in your life. They recognize each other's birthdays; give gifts to one another at Christmas. This kind of open adoption relationship is considered an extended family relationship.
Members of a friendship open adoption relationship spend time getting to know one another, get together with one another, visit each other's homes, and keep in touch by phone and email. They may or may not recognize each other's birthdays, give gifts at Xmas. Usually, they are not included in family gatherings.
There is also an acquaintance open adoption relationship. People keep in contact with one another but it is usually through email and phone, letter. They may get together once a year.
Of course, like all kinds of relationships, open adoption relationships change over time. Sometimes the relationship feels like an extended family and sometimes like an acquaintance. Relationships need flexibility in order to survive. However, all recognize that they are family to one another and each person is important to the child.
Do all birthparents want an open adoption?
No. Expectant parents, like adoptive parents, have questions and concerns about open adoption relationships. Expectant parents often worry that having contact with the child will be too difficult for them emotionally. Some are worried that the child will become confused. Some believe that the adoptive parents really do not want them involved. Expectant parents already have much to deal with and the thought of having to form a relationship with strangers may seem like too much at the time. However, once they are through the initial shock of being pregnant and the crisis of planning an adoption for their child, birthparents often are happy they are in an open adoption or wish they had been in an open adoption relationship.
Are open adoptions legally binding?
These relationships are based on trust and respect and are not legally binding in Illinois. However, many birth and adoptive parents discuss the kind of relationship they want to have with one another now and in the future. Some like to write down these thoughts into an open adoption agreement. These agreements are reminders of their intent rather than a legally binding document that locks people into a certain way of interacting with one another. When relationships become obligations, anger and resistance develops.
It is always a good idea to have a plan. Although plans can be changed, they give everyone an idea where they are headed.
What are the benefits of open adoption?
Open adoption benefits the child. The child grows up knowing all the pieces of his family history. Children of open adoption, like biological children, grow up knowing their birth parents and birth relatives. The child has a firm understanding who he looks like, where his interest in baseball came from, etc. The child also knows that she continues to be important to her birthparents. There is no room to doubt whether the child's birth parents loved and cared for the child. Information about all aspects of the child's family history is also readily available. And this kind of ongoing relationship eliminates the possibility that the child may look at every man and woman who bears a resemblance to him and wonder is that my mother, is that my father. The child never has to wonder whether their birthparents would welcome them back into their lives for they are part of their lives.
What kind of problems occurs in open adoption relationships?
All families have problems. Open adoption families are no different. Often in the beginning of a relationship, people are not sure what to expect from one another. Birthparents are grieving the loss of their child. At the same time they are trying to figure out what their role is in their child's life. Adoptive parents want to help the birthparents with their grief but know that no one can. The adoptive parents are focusing on becoming the parents of the child. They are usually tired from sleepless nights. They also are trying to figure out how the birth family fit into the family structure. This is a time of great transition. Understanding how the other person feels and good communication is essential during these times.
What is a birthparent's role in a child's life?
When people are unsure of their connection to a child, they tend to consider what they are not to a child rather than what role they play in a child's life. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to be secure in their roles. If they are not, the child loses.
So what is a birthparent's role? It is important to look at the child's needs when establishing your role in the child's life. A child needs someone who is reliable. A child needs someone who makes promises and keeps them. A child needs someone who respects his/her adoptive parents. A child needs someone who remembers birthdays, holidays and other special occasions. A child needs someone who can tell them about his birth and family history. A child needs someone who is interested in his thoughts and deeds. A child needs their birthparents to love them and to just be there for them.
Monday, November 06, 2006
November is National Adoption Month! It's also the month when my husband and a few of my in-laws were born, so a big ol' happy birthday and many happy returns going out to Jeremy, Grannie Joan, Nick and Kirsten! In honor of National Adoption Month, get a white ribbon for your lapel and check out http://www.childwelfare.gov/ to learn a few new things about adoption.
We attended another class on Saturday called Transition to Openness at the Cradle. Friday night, Jeremy had a gig in Buffalo Grove, so we stayed at the parental condo in Mount Prospect to be closer to the gig so we would get some sleep and be able to make it through the class the next morning. Those of you who were at the gig know that I got pretty sick - I think it was a piece of bad sausage from the pizza I had beforehand. Anyway, we made it back to the parent's and were able to get a good night's sleep. We were a half hour late to class in the morning, because we made a wrong turn, but we got there just in time to watch the most incredible video about adoption from the baby's perspective. There wasn't a dry eye in the house! I'm going to see if I can get a copy so that anyone who is interested can see it. I'll keep you posted.
The focus of the class was making adoptive parents more comfortable with the idea of an open adoption and to teach them how to keep communication lines open with their child's birthparent. I have to admit that when we were first weighing the merits of international adoption vs. domestic adoption, one of the strongest pros toward international adoption was that we wouldn't have contact with the birthparents. After our first class with the Cradle, we felt quite differently, and have become stronger in our desire to have an open adoption for the benefit of all parties involved. I'm sure it won't always be easy for us to have a relationship with our children's birthparents because no relationship is without friction, however with the knowledge we are gaining, we expect things to be easier than if we went in blind.
We also got more information on how to write our 'Dear Birthparents' letter and how to assemble our profile. We are both looking forward to getting that all together. Once again, we met more really nice people in our class; Holly & Will who are from Lincoln Park and Kevin & Marc from Waukegan. Holly & Will are going to be in our class on 12/2, so we're all excited about seeing each other again, and Kevin & Marc might be in our class on the 11/28.
We attended another class on Saturday called Transition to Openness at the Cradle. Friday night, Jeremy had a gig in Buffalo Grove, so we stayed at the parental condo in Mount Prospect to be closer to the gig so we would get some sleep and be able to make it through the class the next morning. Those of you who were at the gig know that I got pretty sick - I think it was a piece of bad sausage from the pizza I had beforehand. Anyway, we made it back to the parent's and were able to get a good night's sleep. We were a half hour late to class in the morning, because we made a wrong turn, but we got there just in time to watch the most incredible video about adoption from the baby's perspective. There wasn't a dry eye in the house! I'm going to see if I can get a copy so that anyone who is interested can see it. I'll keep you posted.
The focus of the class was making adoptive parents more comfortable with the idea of an open adoption and to teach them how to keep communication lines open with their child's birthparent. I have to admit that when we were first weighing the merits of international adoption vs. domestic adoption, one of the strongest pros toward international adoption was that we wouldn't have contact with the birthparents. After our first class with the Cradle, we felt quite differently, and have become stronger in our desire to have an open adoption for the benefit of all parties involved. I'm sure it won't always be easy for us to have a relationship with our children's birthparents because no relationship is without friction, however with the knowledge we are gaining, we expect things to be easier than if we went in blind.
We also got more information on how to write our 'Dear Birthparents' letter and how to assemble our profile. We are both looking forward to getting that all together. Once again, we met more really nice people in our class; Holly & Will who are from Lincoln Park and Kevin & Marc from Waukegan. Holly & Will are going to be in our class on 12/2, so we're all excited about seeing each other again, and Kevin & Marc might be in our class on the 11/28.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Did you ever wonder if any famous people were adopted, or if anyone famous ever adopted children? Find out about some people whose lives have been touched by adoption!
Jamie Foxx is an Academy Award winning television and film actor and singer. His grandparents adopted Jamie when he was a baby.
Julie Andrews is an academy award-winning actress who has been performing since she was a girl. She and her husband, Blake Edwards, are the parents of five children; the two youngest daughters were adopted from Vietnam.
Dave Thomas was the man who started the famous fast food restaurant, Wendy's. Dave was adopted when he was six weeks old.
John Glover Roberts, Jr. became the 17th Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court in 2005. John and his wife Jane have two children, Josephine and Jack. Both children were adopted as infants.
Dan O'Brien won the Olympic Decathlon Gold Medal in 1996, to become the world's greatest athlete. Dan and five of his brothers and sisters were adopted transracially.
George Walton Lucas, Jr. is the mastermind behind the Star Wars movies. George is also an adoptive parent of Amanda, Katie, and Jett. Lucas adopted Katie and Jett as a single father.
Lynette Cole was crowned Miss USA 2000. Lynette was in foster care when her parents adopted her and her brother.
Kirk Cameron, from the hit television series Growing Pains and wife, actress Chelsea Noble, have a family of six children, four of whom are adopted.
Daunte Culpepper began his sixth season as a starter for the Minnesota Vikings in 2005. Daunte's birth mother was in prison in Ocala Florida when she gave birth to him. His grandmother, Emma Culpepper, had already been a mom to 14 foster children, and she adopted Daunte.
George Burns and Gracie Allen were famous comedians and stars of the hit television show The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show. In the 1930s the couple adopted two children: Sandra Jean and Ronald "Ronnie" John.
Fred Rogers was known to the world as Mr. Rogers. He was the creator and host of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, the longest running program ever shown on public television (1967 - 2001). When Fred was eleven years old, his parents adopted Fred's sister Elaine.
Other famous adopted people include:
Alexander the Great – King of Macedonia
Andy Berlin – entrepreneur: chairman of Berlin, Cameron & Partners
Anthony Williams – politician
Aristotle – philosopher
Art Linkletter – comedian
Babe Ruth – Hall of Fame baseball player
Bo Diddley – musician
Brent Jasmer – actor
Buffy Sainte-Marie – musician and actress
Carl Theodor Dreyer – film director
Charles Dickens – author
Charlie Chaplin – actor
Charlotte Church – singer
Charlotte Anne Lopez – Miss Teen USA
Christina Crawford – author
Clarissa Pinkola Estes – author
Coco Chanel – fashion designer
Crazy Horse – Lakota war chief
Dana Plato - actress
Daniel Boone – soldier and explorer
Darryl "D.M.C." McDaniels – rapper
Dean Cain – actor
Debbi Harry – singer
Dr. Ruth Westheimer – sexologist and broadcaster
Eartha Kitt – singer and actress
Edgar Allen Poe – poet and author
Edward Albee – playwright
Eleanor Roosevelt – First Lady, activist and U.N Delegate
Elie Wiesel – humanitarian and author
Ella Fitzgerald – jazz singer
Eric Clapton – musician
Eric Dickerson – athlete
Faith Daniels – news anchor
Faith Hill – country singer
Flip Wilson – comedian
Freddie Bartholomew – actor
Frederick Douglass – abolitionist and diplomat
Gary Coleman – actor
George Washington Carver – inventor
Greg Louganis – Olympic diver
Halle Berry – actress
Herman Melville – author
Harold Robbins – author
Ice-T – rapper and actor
Ingrid Bergman – actress
J.R.R. Tolkien – author
Jack Nicholson – actor
James Brown – musician
James Dean – actor
James McArthur – actor
James Michener – author
Jean Jacques Rousseau – philosopher
Jesse Jackson – minister
Jett Williams – country singer and author
Jim Palmer – athlete
Johann Sebastian Bach – composer
John J. Audubon – naturalist
John Keats – poet
John Lennon – musician
Josephine Baker – singer and dancer
Langston Hughes – poet and author
Larry Ellison – entrepreneur: founder of Oracle Corp.
Leo Tolstoy – author
Les Brown – motivational speaker
Little Richard – musician
Liz Phair – singer
Louis Armstrong – musician
Louisa May Alcott – author
Lucy Maud Montgomery – author
Malcolm X – civil rights leader
Marilyn Monroe – actress
Mark Acre – athlete
Mark Twain – author
Matthew Laborteaux – actor
Maya Angelou – author
Melissa Gilbert – actress
Michael Reagan – author
Mike Tyson - boxer
Moses – prophet
Muhammad – prophet and founder of Islam
Nancy Reagan – First Lady
Nat King Cole – singer
Nelson Mandela – President of South Africa
Newt Gingrich – politician
Patricia Cornwell – author
Patrick Laborteaux – actor
Peter and Kitty Carruthers – figure skaters
Pierce Brosnan – actor P
resident Gerald Ford – politician
President William Clinton – politician
Priscilla Presley – actress
Ray Liotta – actor
Reno – performance artist and comedian
Rep. Jim Lightfoot – politician
Richard Burton – actor
Rudyard Kipling – author
Sam Goldwyn – film producer
Sarah McLachlan – singer
Scott Hamilton – figure skater
Sen. Paull H. Shin – politician
Sen. Robert Byrd – politician
Shari Belafonte-Harper – actress
Stan Mikita – hockey player
Steve McQueen – actor
Steve Jobs – entrepreneur: co-founder of Apple computer
Surya Bonaly – figure skater
Tim Green – football player and commentator
Tom Monaghan – entrepreneur: founder of Dominoes Pizza
Tommy Davidson – comedian
Truman Capote – author
Victoria Rowell – actress
William Somerset Maugham – author
William Tecumseh Sherman – Civil War general
Willie Nelson – singer
Wilson Riles – educator
Other famous adoptive parents include:
Al Roker – news anchor
Angelina Jolie – actress
Art Buchwald – comedian
Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Sr. – publisher
Barbara Walters – journalist
Ben Stein – actor and game show host
Bette Davis – actress
Bob Hope – entertainer
Brad Pitt – actor
Brooke Adams – actress
Burt Reynolds – actor
Calista Flockhart – actress
Cecil B. De Mille – film director
Charles Bronson – actor
Connie Chung – news anchor
Dale Evans – singer & cowgirl
Dan Marino – football player
Dan Savage – journalist
Dan Wilson – baseball player
David Kelley – television producer
Diane Keaton – actress
Dianne Wiest – actress
Donna Mills – actress
Ed McMahon – entertainer
Edie Falco - actress
Erma Bombeck – comedienne
Estelle Parsons – actress
Eve Arden – actress
Father George Clements – minister
Gail Sheehy – author
Gale Sayers – Hall of Fame football player
Gary Merrill – actor
Gloria Swanson – actress
Harry Belafonte – singer
Hedy Lamarr – actress
Helen Hays – actress
Henry Fonda – actor
Horace George Hamilton – administrator
Isabella Rossellini – actress
Jamie Lee Curtis – actress, author & English Baroness
Jane Fonda – actress
Jane Wallace – TV personality
Jane Wyman – actress
Jann Wenner – publisher
Jill Ireland – actress
Jill Krementz – author
Jim Palmer – athlete
Jo Beth Williams – actress
Joan Didion – author
Joan Fontaine – actress
John DeLorean – auto designer and entrepreneur: founder of DeLorean Motor Car Co.
John Denver – singer
John Gregory Dunne – author
Josephine Baker – singer and dancer
Judy Woodruff – news anchor
Karen Grassle – actress
Kate Capshaw – actress
Kate Jackson – actress
Kirby Puckett – athlete
Kirstie Alley – actress
Kris Kristofferson – singer
Kurt Vonnegut – author
Linda Ronstadt – singer
Loni Anderson – actress
Louis Gossett, Jr. – actor.
Magic Johnson – athlete
Marcia Wallace – actress
Marie Osmond – singer
Maury Povich – talk show host
Mia Farrow – actress
Michelle Pfeiffer – actress
Natalie Williams – WNBA basketball player
Nell Carter – entertainer
Nicole Kidman – actress
Oscar de la Renta – designer
Parker Stevenson – actor
Patti LaBelle – singer
Paul Newman – actor
Pearl Bailey – singer
Peter Falk – actor
President Ronald Reagan – politician
Regina Belle – singer
Rep. James Leach – politician
Richard King Mellon – financier
Robert Fulghum – author
Rosie O'Donnell – actress
Roy Rogers – singer & cowboy
Sally Jessy Raphael – talk show host
Sammy Davis, Jr. – entertainer
Sarah Purcell – entertainer
Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell – politician
Sen. Gordon Humphrey – politician
Sen. John McCain – politician
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen – politician
Sen. Paul Simon – politician
Sen. Paull H. Shin – politician
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson – politician
Sharon Stone – actress
Sir Christopher Guest – actor & English Baron
Stephen Spielberg – film director
Susan Ruttan – actress
Taurean Blacque – actor
Ted Danson – actor
Teri Garr – actress
Tom Cruise – actor
Valerie Harper – actress
Victoria Rowell – actress
Walt Disney – entrepreneur: founder of Disneyland
William Delahunt – politician
William Wordsworth – poet
Willie Mays – athlete
Thursday, October 26, 2006
We had our first official homestudy meeting with Sue last night and we both thought it went really well. I wasn't as nervous as the first meeting, so I didn't babble a whole lot...Jeremy actually got to talk this time! She started out by asking us about how we met and dated, what made us decide to get married, how long we were together before we got married and how long our engagement was. Then we talked about how we fight, how often and how we solve fights and make nice.
She asked who raised us, how we were raised, what we would do the same as our parents and what we would do differently. Then we discussed how we would discipline our kids, what methods we liked and didn't like and what our main rules would be. After that, she asked about religion we were and if we plan to raise our kids in any religion. It took about an hour and a half from start to finish, and I think that she approved of the way we plan to raise and discipline our kids, although I don't think she dug our answers about religion. It was really interesting hearing her feedback on our parenting choices and how we feel about parenting; I think she was pleased to hear how we both feel about children, their feelings and their rights as people.
It is really odd to talk to someone about topics that are so private and some that are social taboos (money, religion, etc.) when you don't know them well at all. It's like you know you have to, because she literally holds your future in a flick of her pen, but it's still a little uncomfortable. I think it would be hard to ask those questions at first, although I'm sure she's used to it by now. Next up are our individual meetings, but we have to finish our autobiographies first. My meeting is on November 8th at 5:30, and Jeremy has yet to schedule his.
In other news, we got fingerprinted today at lunch - this set goes to DCFS for the adopt only foster license. It was pretty cool, it was on a little machine attached to the girl's laptop and they just scan your fingerprints into the system. It turns out that I have very faint fingerprints because of that summer I spent laying cement, and probably all the hair dye over the years, so I may have to go back for a second time because they weren't showing up very well. We still have to go to the police station to get fingerprint cards done for the FBI for their files because there is a new rule that anyone completing a homestudy after 10-01-06 has to submit fingerprints to the FBI. Apparently, this means finding our own fingerprint cards, as the Woodridge Police Department has gone automated and they don't have cards anymore. I hope they have a little tin of ink somewhere, I'm happy to spit on it a little if it's dry. I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with 'The Man' having my prints, y'all - I guess I'll have to keep all loudmouth political stuff to a minimum until we complete our little family, and lord knows, that will be hard because I am a loudmouth! :)
Love and kisses, and check out the post right below this one. It's a two for one special at Ye Olde Adoption Blogge today kiddies, or as my momma says, "take two, they're small!"
She asked who raised us, how we were raised, what we would do the same as our parents and what we would do differently. Then we discussed how we would discipline our kids, what methods we liked and didn't like and what our main rules would be. After that, she asked about religion we were and if we plan to raise our kids in any religion. It took about an hour and a half from start to finish, and I think that she approved of the way we plan to raise and discipline our kids, although I don't think she dug our answers about religion. It was really interesting hearing her feedback on our parenting choices and how we feel about parenting; I think she was pleased to hear how we both feel about children, their feelings and their rights as people.
It is really odd to talk to someone about topics that are so private and some that are social taboos (money, religion, etc.) when you don't know them well at all. It's like you know you have to, because she literally holds your future in a flick of her pen, but it's still a little uncomfortable. I think it would be hard to ask those questions at first, although I'm sure she's used to it by now. Next up are our individual meetings, but we have to finish our autobiographies first. My meeting is on November 8th at 5:30, and Jeremy has yet to schedule his.
In other news, we got fingerprinted today at lunch - this set goes to DCFS for the adopt only foster license. It was pretty cool, it was on a little machine attached to the girl's laptop and they just scan your fingerprints into the system. It turns out that I have very faint fingerprints because of that summer I spent laying cement, and probably all the hair dye over the years, so I may have to go back for a second time because they weren't showing up very well. We still have to go to the police station to get fingerprint cards done for the FBI for their files because there is a new rule that anyone completing a homestudy after 10-01-06 has to submit fingerprints to the FBI. Apparently, this means finding our own fingerprint cards, as the Woodridge Police Department has gone automated and they don't have cards anymore. I hope they have a little tin of ink somewhere, I'm happy to spit on it a little if it's dry. I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with 'The Man' having my prints, y'all - I guess I'll have to keep all loudmouth political stuff to a minimum until we complete our little family, and lord knows, that will be hard because I am a loudmouth! :)
Love and kisses, and check out the post right below this one. It's a two for one special at Ye Olde Adoption Blogge today kiddies, or as my momma says, "take two, they're small!"
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Definitions:
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD
I came across the following excerpt that explains appropriate adoption language. I have found this to be helpful in educating others and ourselves.
Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.
Here are some points to remember:
*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.
*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).
*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.
Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.
Here are some points to remember:
*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.
*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).
*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.
Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Hey y'all, how is every little thing? This month is quite hectic, I can't believe it's halfway to November!! An update on our progress: we have our first couple meeting for the home study with Sue on the 25th, we get fingerprinted on the 26th, and have classes on 11-4, 11-28 and 12-2. We have yet to schedule our individual meetings with Sue, and we're not working on the nursery yet, but we are making progress anyhow. We still have to finish and turn in our autobiographies and work on our profile booklet, so if you haven't yet, please send any pictures you would like to have in our profile so we can show off our awesome family and friends. If you have already sent pictures, thank you!!!
If you are interested in learning more about our agency and our program, please visit www.cradle.org and check them out. There are some interesting articles on transracial adoption, and adoption in general if you are interested in a little education. I will be posting some articles of an educational nature from time to time on the blog so you don't have to search.
My mom is busy working her butt off to get ready for the big move - and I confess I wasn't much help when I went down the other weekend. Unfortunately, we played more than we worked...bad daughter! Thank god she will be here next weekend, lets hope the move goes smoothly. We're still looking for volunteers, we're totally short on help. If you are in the area and would like to assist, give me a call or shoot me an email.
Good things are ahead, I can't wait for the holidays to grace us with their presence! By this time next year, we could very well be parents...let's hope we have the nursery done before then :)
If you are interested in learning more about our agency and our program, please visit www.cradle.org and check them out. There are some interesting articles on transracial adoption, and adoption in general if you are interested in a little education. I will be posting some articles of an educational nature from time to time on the blog so you don't have to search.
My mom is busy working her butt off to get ready for the big move - and I confess I wasn't much help when I went down the other weekend. Unfortunately, we played more than we worked...bad daughter! Thank god she will be here next weekend, lets hope the move goes smoothly. We're still looking for volunteers, we're totally short on help. If you are in the area and would like to assist, give me a call or shoot me an email.
Good things are ahead, I can't wait for the holidays to grace us with their presence! By this time next year, we could very well be parents...let's hope we have the nursery done before then :)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
How You Can Prepare for a Transracial or Transcultural Adoption
Preparation for adoption is important for anyone thinking about adopting a child. It is even more important for parents considering transracial or transcultural adoption because it will introduce you to all aspects of adoptive parenthood, help you learn about adoption issues, and help you identify the type of child you wish to parent. Any adoption agency that conducts and supervises transracial or transcultural adoptions should provide this important service. If you are undertaking an independent adoption, you should seek counseling and training in these areas. You should also read as many articles and books as you can on the subject. (See the resource list at the end of this fact sheet.)
The following sections describe some issues to consider as you prepare for a transracial or transcultural adoption.
Examine Your Beliefs and Attitudes About Race and Ethnicity
While you may think you know yourself and your family members very well, it is important to examine your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity before adopting a child of another race or culture. Try to think if you have made any assumptions about people because of their race or ethnic group. There are two reasons for this exercise: (1) to check yourself -- to be sure this type of adoption will be right for you; and (2) to prepare to be considered "different."
When you adopt a child of another race or culture, it is not only the child who is different. Your family becomes a "different" family. Some people are comfortable with difference. To them, difference is interesting, wonderful, and special. Other people are not so comfortable with difference, and are scared by it. Thus, some friends, family members, acquaintances, and even strangers will rush to your side to support you, while others may make negative comments and stare. During the pre-adoption phase, you should think about how you will respond to the second group in a way that will help your child feel good about himself or herself. (We'll give you some ideas a little later.)
When your child is young, an extra hug and a heart-to-heart talk might be all it takes to help him or her through a difficult situation. While the hugs and the heart-to-heart talks never stop, as your child gets older, you and your child will need more specific coping skills to deal with the racial bias you might face together as a family. Are you ready to fully understand these issues and help your family deal with whatever happens?
Think About Your Lifestyle
Before considering a transracial or transcultural adoption, take a look at your current lifestyle. Do you already live in an integrated neighborhood, so that your child will be able to attend an integrated school? If not, would you consider moving to a new neighborhood? Do you already have friends of different races and ethnic groups? Do you visit one another's homes regularly? Do you attend multicultural festivals? Do you enjoy different kinds of ethnic foods? How much of a leap would it be to start doing some of these things?
It is important for children of color growing up with Caucasian parents to be around adults and children of many ethnic groups, and particularly, to see adult role models who are of the same race or ethnic group. These people can be their friends, teach them about their ethnic heritage, and as they mature, tell them what to expect when they become an adult in your community. Can you make these types of relationships available for your child?
Consider Adopting Siblings
It is always good for siblings to be adopted together. It is no different in the case of transracial or transcultural adoption. Siblings who are adopted together have the security of seeing another person in the family who looks like them. They are able to bring a part of their early history and birth family with them to their adoptive family, which may help them adjust better. And with internationally adopted children, being together might mean they will be able to keep up their native language.
Let's say, then, that you have examined your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity. You have thought about your lifestyle and considered adopting siblings. You are sure you want to adopt a child from another race or culture. What comes next?
How You Can Help Your Child To Become a Stable, Happy, Healthy Individual With a Strong Sense of Racial or Cultural Identity
The seven parenting techniques listed below were compiled from books and articles on adoption and by interviewing experts in transracial and transcultural adoption. Some of these "techniques" are common sense and apply to all adopted children. However, with transracially or transculturally adopted children, these techniques are especially important.
Parents in a transracial or transcultural family should do the following:
· Become intensely invested in parenting;
· Tolerate no racially or ethnically biased remarks;
· Surround yourselves with supportive family and friends;
· Celebrate all cultures;
· Talk about race and culture;
· Expose your child to a variety of experiences so that he or she develops physical and intellectual skills that build self-esteem; and
· Take your child to places where most of the people present are from his or her race or ethnic group.
The next sections provide more information on these techniques.
Become Intensely Invested in Parenting
Dr. Larry Schreiber, former president of the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC), an umbrella organization for a large number of adoptive parent support groups in the United States and Canada, wrote a column about his transracial adoption experience in the winter 1991 issue of Adoptalk, the NACAC newsletter. He characterizes transracial parenting as a "roller coaster of exaggerated parenting." As a Caucasian adoptive father of African-American, Latino, Korean, Cambodian, East Indian, and Caucasian children, he describes transracial parenting as the most joyous experience of his life. He admits that he doesn't really know what it is like to endure the racially biased name-calling that his children have experienced, but he was always there for them when they needed to be comforted and to help them get through those difficult times.
Dr. Schreiber says that transracial parenting has both complicated and enriched his life. He had to work hard to help his children develop their cultural pride and self-esteem in a world that sometimes does not understand or is unkind to people from different cultures. However, he believes his children did overcome these difficulties and were able to develop positive cultural identities, mostly because of the help his family received from adoptive parent support groups and from other adults of the same cultural groups as his children.
Ms. RoAnne Elliott is another experienced adoptive parent in an interracial family who has written about the importance of investing in parenting. An African-American woman, Ms. Elliott encourages parents in transracial families to empower themselves and believe strongly that their family belongs together. She writes, "You need the firm knowledge in your heart and in your mind that you are the best parent for your children. This empowerment is key, since you can't parent well if you don't feel confident, competent, and entitled to do so." She says that being in an interracial family is the opportunity of a lifetime, allowing you to embark on "a journey of personal transformation, growing in your ability to nurture your children along the way. This involves an alert awareness of difference and an optimistic expectation that cultural differences among us will lead to rewarding personal connections and friendships."
The message, then, is that transracial parenting is not laid-back, catch-as-catch-can parenting. According to these two experienced adoptive parents, the demands are great, but so are the rewards.
Tolerate No Racially or Ethnically Biased Remarks
As adoptive parents in an interracial or intercultural family, you should refuse to tolerate any kind of racially or ethnically biased remark made in your presence. This includes remarks about your child's race or ethnic group, other races and ethnic groups, or any other characteristic such as gender, religion, age and physical or other disability. Make it clear that it is not okay to make fun of people who are different, and it is not okay to assume that all people of one group behave the same way. Teach your children how to handle these remarks, by saying, for instance, "I find your remark offensive. Please don't say that type of thing again," or "Surely you don't mean to be critical, you just don't have experience with . . ." or "You couldn't be deliberately saying such an inappropriate comment in front of a child. You must mean something else."
Try to combat the remarks while giving the person a chance to back off or change what has been said. This way you will teach your child to stand up to bias without starting a fight -- which could put your child at risk. In addition, by being gracious and giving others a chance to overcome their bias/ignorance, you can help to change their beliefs and attitudes over time. Positive exchanges about race will always be more helpful than negative ones.
Surround Yourselves With Supportive Family and Friends
While you were thinking about adopting transracially or transculturally, did you find some people in your circle of family and friends who were especially supportive of your plans to become a multicultural family? If so, surround yourself with these people! In addition, seek out other adoptive families, other transracial or multicultural families, and other members of your child's racial or ethnic group. You will be surprised by how helpful many people will want to be, whether it is to show you how to cook an ethnic dish or teach you some words in their language. According to Ms. RoAnne Elliott, "You need a supportive community comprised of many races -- those who will be role models and provide inspiration, those who will stimulate your thinking, those who fill your desire for cultural diversity, and those who will challenge you in constructive and respectful ways.
Celebrate All Cultures
As a multicultural family, you should value all cultures. Teach your child that every ethnic group has something worthwhile to contribute, and that diversity is this country's and your family's strength. For example, you might give your Korean daughter a Korean doll, but you might also start a collection for her of dolls of many different racial and ethnic groups. If your child is from South America, go to the Latino festival in your town, but also visit the new Native-American art exhibit, eat at the Greek fair, and dance at the Polish dance hall. Incorporate the art, music, drama, literature, clothing, and food of your child's ethnic group and others into your family's daily life. Invite friends from other cultures to celebrate your holidays and special occasions, and attend their events as well.
The area of religion brings up special concerns. You may wish to take your child to a place of worship in your community where most of the members are from the same ethnic group as your child; for example, you could bring your East Indian child to a Hindu temple or your Russian child to a Russian Orthodox church. What an opportunity to meet people of his ethnic group, find adult role models, and learn the customs of his heritage! However, before you do this, be sure you could be supportive if your child decides to practice that religion. If you have your heart set on raising your child in your own family's religion - one that is different from the religion practiced in the place of worship you will visit -- tell your child that the visit is for a cultural, not religious, purpose or perhaps decide not to visit at all. Practically speaking, you can impose your religious practice on your child for only a few years. As an adult, your child will ultimately decide whether to practice any religion at all, and whether it will be one that people of his or her heritage often practice, your family's religion, or yet another one that he or she chooses.
While it is important to teach your child that differences among people are enriching, it is also important to point out similarities. One expert suggests that in an adoptive family the ratio should be two similarities for each difference. For instance, to a young child you might say, "Your skin is darker than Daddy's, but you like to play music, just like he does, and you both love strawberry ice cream." As much as you want to celebrate your child's distinctive features, he or she also needs to feel a sense of belonging in the family.
Talk About Race and Culture
How has race or culture defined you? What is life like for a Latino person in America? What is life like for a Caucasian person? An African-American person? An Asian person? How are persons of different ethnic groups treated by police officers, restaurant employees, social organizations, or government agencies? What do you think about interracial dating and marriage? As a multicultural family, you need to address these and other racial matters.
Talk about racial issues, even if your child does not bring up the subject. Use natural opportunities, such as a television program or newspaper article that talks about race in some way. Let your child know that you feel comfortable discussing race-the positive aspects as well as the difficult ones. On the positive side, a child of a certain race may be given preferential treatment or special attention. On the other hand, even a young child needs to know that while your family celebrates difference, other families do not know many people who are different. These families are sometimes afraid of what they do not know or understand, and may react at times in unkind ways. It can be difficult to deal with such issues, especially when your child is young and does not yet know that some adults have these negative feelings, but you have to do it. You will help your child become a strong, healthy adult by preparing him or her to stand up in the face of ignorance, bias, or adversity.
Stand behind your children if they are the victim of a racial incident or have problems in your community because of the unkind actions of others. This does not mean you should fight their battles for them, but rather support them and give them the tools to deal with the blows that the world may hand them. Confront racism openly. Discuss it with your friends and family and the supportive multicultural community with which you associate. Rely on adults of color to share their insights with both you and your child. Above all, if your child's feelings are hurt, let him talk about the experience with you, and acknowledge that you understand.
Ms. Lois Melina, a Caucasian adoptive parent of Korean children and a noted adoption writer, lists five questions for you to ask your child to help him or her deal with problem situations:
· What happened?
· How did that make you feel?
· What did you say or do when that happened?
· If something like that happens again, do you think you will deal with it the same way?
· Would you like me to do something?
It is important to leave the choice of your involvement up to your child. This way, you show that you are available to help, but also that you have confidence in your child's ability to decide when your help is needed.
Expose Your Child to a Variety of Experiences so That He or She Develops Physical and Intellectual Skills That Build Self-Esteem
This parenting technique is important for all children, but it is especially important for children of color. Children of color need every tool possible to build their self-esteem. While society has made strides in overcoming certain biases and forms of discrimination, there remain many subtle and not-so-subtle color or race-related messages that are discouraging and harmful to young egos. Be alert to negative messages that are associated with any race or culture. Point them out as foolish and untrue. Emphasize that each person is unique and that we all bring our own individual strengths and weaknesses into the world. Frequently compliment your child on his or her strengths. Draw attention to the child's ability to solve math problems, play ball, dance, play a musical instrument, ride a bike, take photographs, perform gymnastics, or any other activity that increases confidence. Self-esteem is built on many small successes and lots of acknowledgement. A strong ego will be better able to deal with both the good and the bad elements of society.
As your child gets older, keep in touch with his or her needs: this might mean buying him or her a few of the in clothes or enrolling him or her on the popular teams. Stay in tune with your child's natural skills and talents, and do whatever you can to help him or her develop them at each age.
Take Your Child to Places Where Most of the People Present are from His or Her Race or Ethnic Group
If you bring your African-American child to an African-American church, or your Peruvian child to a Latino festival, your child will experience being in a group in which the number of people present of his ethnic group is larger than the number of Caucasians present. Adoptive family support group events are other places where this might happen. Children usually enjoy these events very much. If you adopted a young child from another country, you might consider taking a trip to that country when the child is older and can understand what the trip is all about. Many adoptive families who take such a trip find it to be a wonderful learning experience.
Another benefit of such an experience is that it might be one of the few times when you feel what it is like to be in the minority. This will increase your awareness and ability to understand your child's experience as a minority individual.
Other Sources of Information
Transracial adoption is a "hot" topic in the media and in adoption circles. There is quite a lot of activity in this area of adoption practice. We offer the following brief sections for your information.
Where Can I Find Out More About Transracial or Transcultural Adoption?
The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC) often receives questions about which adoption agencies place children transculturally or transracially. The answer is twofold. Their names often signal the kinds of adoptions they conduct (for example, if they have the word "international" in their name). These agencies are marked with an asterisk in NAIC's National Adoption Directory. However, many agencies are not as open about their policy on transracial adoption because of some of the controversial issues surrounding this type of adoption. Ask your local adoption agencies about their policies in this area, especially if you are strongly considering this type of adoption.
Legislation
In 1994, transracial adoption was the subject of a bill before Congress submitted by Senator Howard Metzenbaum of Ohio. After intense debate, the Multiethnic Placement Act (MEPA) passed both houses of Congress. One positive outcome of the debate is that people who historically have been on opposite sides of the question are beginning to reach some common ground. One point that everyone agrees on is that adults of all cultures need to work together to help adopted children of all cultures reach their highest potential.
Statistics
Although available statistics are rough estimates, several sources show that the percentage of transracial or transcultural adoptions in the United States is significant. For example, one source estimates that 1,000 to 2,000 African-American children are adopted by Caucasian families each year. Data from the Immigration and Naturalization Service show that U.S. families adopted 7,088 children from other countries in 1990. This means that there were roughly 8,500 transracial or transcultural adoptions in 1990. In that same year, there were almost 119,000 adoptions of all kinds. Since approximately half of the adoptions in any year are stepparent or relative adoptions, in 1990 there were about 59,500 nonrelative adoptions. The percentage of transracial/transcultural adoptions (8,500 of 59,500) then, comes out to more than 14 percent.
Conclusion
Adopting a child of another race or culture can be a richly rewarding choice for many families, although there are also many unique challenges and concerns. Hopefully the information provided in this fact sheet will provide food for thought and become part of the ongoing discussion in your home.
***Written by Debra G. Smith, ACSW, Director of the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, 1994.
Preparation for adoption is important for anyone thinking about adopting a child. It is even more important for parents considering transracial or transcultural adoption because it will introduce you to all aspects of adoptive parenthood, help you learn about adoption issues, and help you identify the type of child you wish to parent. Any adoption agency that conducts and supervises transracial or transcultural adoptions should provide this important service. If you are undertaking an independent adoption, you should seek counseling and training in these areas. You should also read as many articles and books as you can on the subject. (See the resource list at the end of this fact sheet.)
The following sections describe some issues to consider as you prepare for a transracial or transcultural adoption.
Examine Your Beliefs and Attitudes About Race and Ethnicity
While you may think you know yourself and your family members very well, it is important to examine your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity before adopting a child of another race or culture. Try to think if you have made any assumptions about people because of their race or ethnic group. There are two reasons for this exercise: (1) to check yourself -- to be sure this type of adoption will be right for you; and (2) to prepare to be considered "different."
When you adopt a child of another race or culture, it is not only the child who is different. Your family becomes a "different" family. Some people are comfortable with difference. To them, difference is interesting, wonderful, and special. Other people are not so comfortable with difference, and are scared by it. Thus, some friends, family members, acquaintances, and even strangers will rush to your side to support you, while others may make negative comments and stare. During the pre-adoption phase, you should think about how you will respond to the second group in a way that will help your child feel good about himself or herself. (We'll give you some ideas a little later.)
When your child is young, an extra hug and a heart-to-heart talk might be all it takes to help him or her through a difficult situation. While the hugs and the heart-to-heart talks never stop, as your child gets older, you and your child will need more specific coping skills to deal with the racial bias you might face together as a family. Are you ready to fully understand these issues and help your family deal with whatever happens?
Think About Your Lifestyle
Before considering a transracial or transcultural adoption, take a look at your current lifestyle. Do you already live in an integrated neighborhood, so that your child will be able to attend an integrated school? If not, would you consider moving to a new neighborhood? Do you already have friends of different races and ethnic groups? Do you visit one another's homes regularly? Do you attend multicultural festivals? Do you enjoy different kinds of ethnic foods? How much of a leap would it be to start doing some of these things?
It is important for children of color growing up with Caucasian parents to be around adults and children of many ethnic groups, and particularly, to see adult role models who are of the same race or ethnic group. These people can be their friends, teach them about their ethnic heritage, and as they mature, tell them what to expect when they become an adult in your community. Can you make these types of relationships available for your child?
Consider Adopting Siblings
It is always good for siblings to be adopted together. It is no different in the case of transracial or transcultural adoption. Siblings who are adopted together have the security of seeing another person in the family who looks like them. They are able to bring a part of their early history and birth family with them to their adoptive family, which may help them adjust better. And with internationally adopted children, being together might mean they will be able to keep up their native language.
Let's say, then, that you have examined your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity. You have thought about your lifestyle and considered adopting siblings. You are sure you want to adopt a child from another race or culture. What comes next?
How You Can Help Your Child To Become a Stable, Happy, Healthy Individual With a Strong Sense of Racial or Cultural Identity
The seven parenting techniques listed below were compiled from books and articles on adoption and by interviewing experts in transracial and transcultural adoption. Some of these "techniques" are common sense and apply to all adopted children. However, with transracially or transculturally adopted children, these techniques are especially important.
Parents in a transracial or transcultural family should do the following:
· Become intensely invested in parenting;
· Tolerate no racially or ethnically biased remarks;
· Surround yourselves with supportive family and friends;
· Celebrate all cultures;
· Talk about race and culture;
· Expose your child to a variety of experiences so that he or she develops physical and intellectual skills that build self-esteem; and
· Take your child to places where most of the people present are from his or her race or ethnic group.
The next sections provide more information on these techniques.
Become Intensely Invested in Parenting
Dr. Larry Schreiber, former president of the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC), an umbrella organization for a large number of adoptive parent support groups in the United States and Canada, wrote a column about his transracial adoption experience in the winter 1991 issue of Adoptalk, the NACAC newsletter. He characterizes transracial parenting as a "roller coaster of exaggerated parenting." As a Caucasian adoptive father of African-American, Latino, Korean, Cambodian, East Indian, and Caucasian children, he describes transracial parenting as the most joyous experience of his life. He admits that he doesn't really know what it is like to endure the racially biased name-calling that his children have experienced, but he was always there for them when they needed to be comforted and to help them get through those difficult times.
Dr. Schreiber says that transracial parenting has both complicated and enriched his life. He had to work hard to help his children develop their cultural pride and self-esteem in a world that sometimes does not understand or is unkind to people from different cultures. However, he believes his children did overcome these difficulties and were able to develop positive cultural identities, mostly because of the help his family received from adoptive parent support groups and from other adults of the same cultural groups as his children.
Ms. RoAnne Elliott is another experienced adoptive parent in an interracial family who has written about the importance of investing in parenting. An African-American woman, Ms. Elliott encourages parents in transracial families to empower themselves and believe strongly that their family belongs together. She writes, "You need the firm knowledge in your heart and in your mind that you are the best parent for your children. This empowerment is key, since you can't parent well if you don't feel confident, competent, and entitled to do so." She says that being in an interracial family is the opportunity of a lifetime, allowing you to embark on "a journey of personal transformation, growing in your ability to nurture your children along the way. This involves an alert awareness of difference and an optimistic expectation that cultural differences among us will lead to rewarding personal connections and friendships."
The message, then, is that transracial parenting is not laid-back, catch-as-catch-can parenting. According to these two experienced adoptive parents, the demands are great, but so are the rewards.
Tolerate No Racially or Ethnically Biased Remarks
As adoptive parents in an interracial or intercultural family, you should refuse to tolerate any kind of racially or ethnically biased remark made in your presence. This includes remarks about your child's race or ethnic group, other races and ethnic groups, or any other characteristic such as gender, religion, age and physical or other disability. Make it clear that it is not okay to make fun of people who are different, and it is not okay to assume that all people of one group behave the same way. Teach your children how to handle these remarks, by saying, for instance, "I find your remark offensive. Please don't say that type of thing again," or "Surely you don't mean to be critical, you just don't have experience with . . ." or "You couldn't be deliberately saying such an inappropriate comment in front of a child. You must mean something else."
Try to combat the remarks while giving the person a chance to back off or change what has been said. This way you will teach your child to stand up to bias without starting a fight -- which could put your child at risk. In addition, by being gracious and giving others a chance to overcome their bias/ignorance, you can help to change their beliefs and attitudes over time. Positive exchanges about race will always be more helpful than negative ones.
Surround Yourselves With Supportive Family and Friends
While you were thinking about adopting transracially or transculturally, did you find some people in your circle of family and friends who were especially supportive of your plans to become a multicultural family? If so, surround yourself with these people! In addition, seek out other adoptive families, other transracial or multicultural families, and other members of your child's racial or ethnic group. You will be surprised by how helpful many people will want to be, whether it is to show you how to cook an ethnic dish or teach you some words in their language. According to Ms. RoAnne Elliott, "You need a supportive community comprised of many races -- those who will be role models and provide inspiration, those who will stimulate your thinking, those who fill your desire for cultural diversity, and those who will challenge you in constructive and respectful ways.
Celebrate All Cultures
As a multicultural family, you should value all cultures. Teach your child that every ethnic group has something worthwhile to contribute, and that diversity is this country's and your family's strength. For example, you might give your Korean daughter a Korean doll, but you might also start a collection for her of dolls of many different racial and ethnic groups. If your child is from South America, go to the Latino festival in your town, but also visit the new Native-American art exhibit, eat at the Greek fair, and dance at the Polish dance hall. Incorporate the art, music, drama, literature, clothing, and food of your child's ethnic group and others into your family's daily life. Invite friends from other cultures to celebrate your holidays and special occasions, and attend their events as well.
The area of religion brings up special concerns. You may wish to take your child to a place of worship in your community where most of the members are from the same ethnic group as your child; for example, you could bring your East Indian child to a Hindu temple or your Russian child to a Russian Orthodox church. What an opportunity to meet people of his ethnic group, find adult role models, and learn the customs of his heritage! However, before you do this, be sure you could be supportive if your child decides to practice that religion. If you have your heart set on raising your child in your own family's religion - one that is different from the religion practiced in the place of worship you will visit -- tell your child that the visit is for a cultural, not religious, purpose or perhaps decide not to visit at all. Practically speaking, you can impose your religious practice on your child for only a few years. As an adult, your child will ultimately decide whether to practice any religion at all, and whether it will be one that people of his or her heritage often practice, your family's religion, or yet another one that he or she chooses.
While it is important to teach your child that differences among people are enriching, it is also important to point out similarities. One expert suggests that in an adoptive family the ratio should be two similarities for each difference. For instance, to a young child you might say, "Your skin is darker than Daddy's, but you like to play music, just like he does, and you both love strawberry ice cream." As much as you want to celebrate your child's distinctive features, he or she also needs to feel a sense of belonging in the family.
Talk About Race and Culture
How has race or culture defined you? What is life like for a Latino person in America? What is life like for a Caucasian person? An African-American person? An Asian person? How are persons of different ethnic groups treated by police officers, restaurant employees, social organizations, or government agencies? What do you think about interracial dating and marriage? As a multicultural family, you need to address these and other racial matters.
Talk about racial issues, even if your child does not bring up the subject. Use natural opportunities, such as a television program or newspaper article that talks about race in some way. Let your child know that you feel comfortable discussing race-the positive aspects as well as the difficult ones. On the positive side, a child of a certain race may be given preferential treatment or special attention. On the other hand, even a young child needs to know that while your family celebrates difference, other families do not know many people who are different. These families are sometimes afraid of what they do not know or understand, and may react at times in unkind ways. It can be difficult to deal with such issues, especially when your child is young and does not yet know that some adults have these negative feelings, but you have to do it. You will help your child become a strong, healthy adult by preparing him or her to stand up in the face of ignorance, bias, or adversity.
Stand behind your children if they are the victim of a racial incident or have problems in your community because of the unkind actions of others. This does not mean you should fight their battles for them, but rather support them and give them the tools to deal with the blows that the world may hand them. Confront racism openly. Discuss it with your friends and family and the supportive multicultural community with which you associate. Rely on adults of color to share their insights with both you and your child. Above all, if your child's feelings are hurt, let him talk about the experience with you, and acknowledge that you understand.
Ms. Lois Melina, a Caucasian adoptive parent of Korean children and a noted adoption writer, lists five questions for you to ask your child to help him or her deal with problem situations:
· What happened?
· How did that make you feel?
· What did you say or do when that happened?
· If something like that happens again, do you think you will deal with it the same way?
· Would you like me to do something?
It is important to leave the choice of your involvement up to your child. This way, you show that you are available to help, but also that you have confidence in your child's ability to decide when your help is needed.
Expose Your Child to a Variety of Experiences so That He or She Develops Physical and Intellectual Skills That Build Self-Esteem
This parenting technique is important for all children, but it is especially important for children of color. Children of color need every tool possible to build their self-esteem. While society has made strides in overcoming certain biases and forms of discrimination, there remain many subtle and not-so-subtle color or race-related messages that are discouraging and harmful to young egos. Be alert to negative messages that are associated with any race or culture. Point them out as foolish and untrue. Emphasize that each person is unique and that we all bring our own individual strengths and weaknesses into the world. Frequently compliment your child on his or her strengths. Draw attention to the child's ability to solve math problems, play ball, dance, play a musical instrument, ride a bike, take photographs, perform gymnastics, or any other activity that increases confidence. Self-esteem is built on many small successes and lots of acknowledgement. A strong ego will be better able to deal with both the good and the bad elements of society.
As your child gets older, keep in touch with his or her needs: this might mean buying him or her a few of the in clothes or enrolling him or her on the popular teams. Stay in tune with your child's natural skills and talents, and do whatever you can to help him or her develop them at each age.
Take Your Child to Places Where Most of the People Present are from His or Her Race or Ethnic Group
If you bring your African-American child to an African-American church, or your Peruvian child to a Latino festival, your child will experience being in a group in which the number of people present of his ethnic group is larger than the number of Caucasians present. Adoptive family support group events are other places where this might happen. Children usually enjoy these events very much. If you adopted a young child from another country, you might consider taking a trip to that country when the child is older and can understand what the trip is all about. Many adoptive families who take such a trip find it to be a wonderful learning experience.
Another benefit of such an experience is that it might be one of the few times when you feel what it is like to be in the minority. This will increase your awareness and ability to understand your child's experience as a minority individual.
Other Sources of Information
Transracial adoption is a "hot" topic in the media and in adoption circles. There is quite a lot of activity in this area of adoption practice. We offer the following brief sections for your information.
Where Can I Find Out More About Transracial or Transcultural Adoption?
The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC) often receives questions about which adoption agencies place children transculturally or transracially. The answer is twofold. Their names often signal the kinds of adoptions they conduct (for example, if they have the word "international" in their name). These agencies are marked with an asterisk in NAIC's National Adoption Directory. However, many agencies are not as open about their policy on transracial adoption because of some of the controversial issues surrounding this type of adoption. Ask your local adoption agencies about their policies in this area, especially if you are strongly considering this type of adoption.
Legislation
In 1994, transracial adoption was the subject of a bill before Congress submitted by Senator Howard Metzenbaum of Ohio. After intense debate, the Multiethnic Placement Act (MEPA) passed both houses of Congress. One positive outcome of the debate is that people who historically have been on opposite sides of the question are beginning to reach some common ground. One point that everyone agrees on is that adults of all cultures need to work together to help adopted children of all cultures reach their highest potential.
Statistics
Although available statistics are rough estimates, several sources show that the percentage of transracial or transcultural adoptions in the United States is significant. For example, one source estimates that 1,000 to 2,000 African-American children are adopted by Caucasian families each year. Data from the Immigration and Naturalization Service show that U.S. families adopted 7,088 children from other countries in 1990. This means that there were roughly 8,500 transracial or transcultural adoptions in 1990. In that same year, there were almost 119,000 adoptions of all kinds. Since approximately half of the adoptions in any year are stepparent or relative adoptions, in 1990 there were about 59,500 nonrelative adoptions. The percentage of transracial/transcultural adoptions (8,500 of 59,500) then, comes out to more than 14 percent.
Conclusion
Adopting a child of another race or culture can be a richly rewarding choice for many families, although there are also many unique challenges and concerns. Hopefully the information provided in this fact sheet will provide food for thought and become part of the ongoing discussion in your home.
***Written by Debra G. Smith, ACSW, Director of the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, 1994.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
At long last, we have finally finished our initial paperwork! I drove over to Sue's office at lunch to hand it to her personally, and we are now officially in the home study process. The next steps are having a meeting with Sue as a couple, then individual meetings with her, and finally another couples meeting with her at our house. I am slightly panicked about the house meeting, but from everything I have heard and read, we'll be fine. We still have classes and some other paperwork to work on, but we are over a big hurdle!
We hope to begin renovating the nursery at the end of October/beginning of November. We will be replacing part of the ceiling that is damaged and removing the texturing, removing the paneling, fixing and painting the walls and installing new trim. No problem! Any assistance/expert advice would not be turned away :)
In other news, my mom sold her house and we have established a moving date for her of 10/21. She flew in today and went straight to Janesville where she will be spending some time over the next week, signing papers and hiring carpenters, electricians and plumbers to get the house in tip-top shape before she moves in. On Thursday the 5th after work, we are flying to Kansas together to do some work and get loose ends wrapped up. Jeremy is out of town at his annual conference in Germany from the 6th through the 14th, and then on 10/19, Jeremy and I are going to fly down to Kansas to help with the moving. We plan to have the U-Haul loaded and on the road by Sunday morning at the latest, and we'll say a sad goodbye to my hometown of Manhattan, Kansas! I am so excited that my mom will be so close after ten years of being so far away, and will be a big part of our kids' lives! We're already discussing new curtains and paint colors, as well as a nursery room at her new house :)
We hope to begin renovating the nursery at the end of October/beginning of November. We will be replacing part of the ceiling that is damaged and removing the texturing, removing the paneling, fixing and painting the walls and installing new trim. No problem! Any assistance/expert advice would not be turned away :)
In other news, my mom sold her house and we have established a moving date for her of 10/21. She flew in today and went straight to Janesville where she will be spending some time over the next week, signing papers and hiring carpenters, electricians and plumbers to get the house in tip-top shape before she moves in. On Thursday the 5th after work, we are flying to Kansas together to do some work and get loose ends wrapped up. Jeremy is out of town at his annual conference in Germany from the 6th through the 14th, and then on 10/19, Jeremy and I are going to fly down to Kansas to help with the moving. We plan to have the U-Haul loaded and on the road by Sunday morning at the latest, and we'll say a sad goodbye to my hometown of Manhattan, Kansas! I am so excited that my mom will be so close after ten years of being so far away, and will be a big part of our kids' lives! We're already discussing new curtains and paint colors, as well as a nursery room at her new house :)
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Well, we attended our first class, "Adoption 101" from 9 am to around 4:30 pm today. We had to get up earlier than we do for work, so our day started early! We went to Dunkin Donuts on our way up to Evanston so we could fuel up on coffee and bagels...and that coffee was needed!!! We got to the Cradle a little after 8:30, just in time to catch the tour of the building, which had just started. We got to see pictures of the original building and staff and the original cradle that the babies were presented in when they met their new parents! VERY rickety! We also passed by the nursery where some babies stay in the time after birth and before placement, and oohed and aahed over the 5 babies in residence.
Then we went to the classroom. It was really full, we weren't sure where we would sit, but a nice couple waved us over to share their table. The morning class focused on a general overview of the adoption process, talking about some gains and losses that we may feel, openness in adoption and hearing from a birthmother and adoptive parents. The afternoon class touched on entitlement and attachment, becoming a multiracial family and which child would be right for us. It was a lot of information to think about and we've already chosen our program! I can't imagine processing all of that information without knowing which way you would go! The class was really helpful to Jeremy and I and we felt very secure in the choice we've made, and a renewed sense of comfort with The Cradle and their staff.
The only sucky part of the day was when I dumped a full cup of Diet Coke in my purse, down my front and onto my plate at lunch, because I am that klutzy. Geez. Everything in my purse had to be dried off as I had a good quarter inch of soda hanging out at the bottom, complete with 2 ice cubes. Why I am allowed out in public, I will never know.
Before we left, we got the email address and phone number of the couple we sat with, Ricardo and Denise, and we plan to meet up with them at our next class...on 9-14 :) We'll be moving along - sending in more paperwork, working steadily on our house, taking more classes and paying more money for the next few months, and looking forward to the time when we have our brand new baby.
I need some pictures for our profile, if you would like to be in our Family and Friends section, please email me your pictures!
Then we went to the classroom. It was really full, we weren't sure where we would sit, but a nice couple waved us over to share their table. The morning class focused on a general overview of the adoption process, talking about some gains and losses that we may feel, openness in adoption and hearing from a birthmother and adoptive parents. The afternoon class touched on entitlement and attachment, becoming a multiracial family and which child would be right for us. It was a lot of information to think about and we've already chosen our program! I can't imagine processing all of that information without knowing which way you would go! The class was really helpful to Jeremy and I and we felt very secure in the choice we've made, and a renewed sense of comfort with The Cradle and their staff.
The only sucky part of the day was when I dumped a full cup of Diet Coke in my purse, down my front and onto my plate at lunch, because I am that klutzy. Geez. Everything in my purse had to be dried off as I had a good quarter inch of soda hanging out at the bottom, complete with 2 ice cubes. Why I am allowed out in public, I will never know.
Before we left, we got the email address and phone number of the couple we sat with, Ricardo and Denise, and we plan to meet up with them at our next class...on 9-14 :) We'll be moving along - sending in more paperwork, working steadily on our house, taking more classes and paying more money for the next few months, and looking forward to the time when we have our brand new baby.
I need some pictures for our profile, if you would like to be in our Family and Friends section, please email me your pictures!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
We had our initial consultation meeting this evening with our counselor, Sue. Sue is probably in her sixties somewhere, definitely a grandma sort of lady, tall and slim with chin-length white hair. We made our introductions and settled in for the questions. It is definitely a little uncomfortable having to tell a perfect stranger such intimate details of our lives - medical and family histories, and things like that, but Sue was easy to talk to and tried to put us at ease. Of course I was nervous and babbled like a doofus, but I settled down after a while and let Jeremy answer a couple of questions.
Those of you who have adopted will understand what I am talking about when I tell you that there is a mountain of paperwork standing between us and our baby...you can skip this paragraph. For those of you who haven't experienced adoption, here's a short rundown:
**We will need to get our "Adopt Only" foster care license (which entails being fingerprinted, background checks for both of us, physicals for both of us, 10 different forms and a diagram of our house marked with fire exits).
**We have to provide a full income/asset balance sheet with our net worth and monthly expenses
**We have to provide our federal tax forms for the last 3 years
**We have to provide photocopies of our birth certificates and our marriage license
**We have to provide a statement of insurance and legal guardianship
**We have to fill out a questionnaire about what characteristics we want in our future children and what medical issues we would be willing to accept
**We have to fill out a questionnaire about transracial adoption
**We have to create a profile with autobiographies and family trees.
**Finally, we have to create our profile with the two-page "Dear Birthmother" letter and pictures of us, family and friends.
We also have to attend at least 5 classes totaling 18 hours. This was a lot to process - so much information all at once, but we got a 3 ring binder with some written info in it that we can go over at our leisure. I'm really glad that first meeting is over!
Those of you who have adopted will understand what I am talking about when I tell you that there is a mountain of paperwork standing between us and our baby...you can skip this paragraph. For those of you who haven't experienced adoption, here's a short rundown:
**We will need to get our "Adopt Only" foster care license (which entails being fingerprinted, background checks for both of us, physicals for both of us, 10 different forms and a diagram of our house marked with fire exits).
**We have to provide a full income/asset balance sheet with our net worth and monthly expenses
**We have to provide our federal tax forms for the last 3 years
**We have to provide photocopies of our birth certificates and our marriage license
**We have to provide a statement of insurance and legal guardianship
**We have to fill out a questionnaire about what characteristics we want in our future children and what medical issues we would be willing to accept
**We have to fill out a questionnaire about transracial adoption
**We have to create a profile with autobiographies and family trees.
**Finally, we have to create our profile with the two-page "Dear Birthmother" letter and pictures of us, family and friends.
We also have to attend at least 5 classes totaling 18 hours. This was a lot to process - so much information all at once, but we got a 3 ring binder with some written info in it that we can go over at our leisure. I'm really glad that first meeting is over!
Friday, August 18, 2006
I had a half-day today (hooray for summer hours!) and I meandered home around two. I was home for about an hour when I got a phone call from our adoption counselor, Sue, to set up our initial consultation appointment. I asked if she was booked solid today, and unfortunately she was...I apologized for being so over-eager, and she said she hears it all the time!
We had a lovely chat, and set up our appointment for Wednesday the 30th at 6 pm, so I'll post about the results as soon as we get home from that! I am really looking forward to meeting her in person, she sounds like a really nice lady!
We had a lovely chat, and set up our appointment for Wednesday the 30th at 6 pm, so I'll post about the results as soon as we get home from that! I am really looking forward to meeting her in person, she sounds like a really nice lady!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
We've been busy, busy, busy - after we decided we were definitely pursuing adoption, we bought Adoption for Dummies and have been passing it back and forth trying to learn EVERYTHING about this process that stymies us both. We also took the advice of a friend who has adopted three times and attended some agency information meetings. So far, it was the best advice we've gotten!
Our first info meeting was with an agency called Sunny Ridge in Wheaton (www.sunnyridge.org), which we attended on 8/1. We learned quite a few new things in the meeting; we heard from a birthmother, learned about their domestic and international programs and the fee schedules. We went in thinking that we would go with a domestic adoption and walked out thinking international. We liked Sunny Ridge for the most part, they were informative and nice, plus they are pretty close to us.
A week later (8/9) we went to an info meeting for The Cradle (www.cradle.org) By the time we were driving home, we were sold. We felt so comfortable with them, and we felt like the information was so in depth - the fees are all up front, the process is written out in black and white, and they brought in an adoptive family to talk to us and answer our questions. It was a wonderful experience, through and through...and, we changed our minds back to domestic adoption going through their Sayers Program. (http://www.cradle.org/adopt_aa.html)
We sent our application and fee in this week, and I've gotten started working on our profile and the "Dear Birthmother" letter - I am sure I'll have to do a few re-writes, but I'm so excited I can't wait! Today when I got home from work and checked my email, we had an email message from the Cradle with the name of our adoption counselor!!! Her name is Sue and she will be calling us soon to schedule our initial consultation!
We're going to start remodeling the nursery over Labor Day - we have a lot of work to do so we want to get started ASAP! By this time next year, we could be bringing home a brand new baby!
Our first info meeting was with an agency called Sunny Ridge in Wheaton (www.sunnyridge.org), which we attended on 8/1. We learned quite a few new things in the meeting; we heard from a birthmother, learned about their domestic and international programs and the fee schedules. We went in thinking that we would go with a domestic adoption and walked out thinking international. We liked Sunny Ridge for the most part, they were informative and nice, plus they are pretty close to us.
A week later (8/9) we went to an info meeting for The Cradle (www.cradle.org) By the time we were driving home, we were sold. We felt so comfortable with them, and we felt like the information was so in depth - the fees are all up front, the process is written out in black and white, and they brought in an adoptive family to talk to us and answer our questions. It was a wonderful experience, through and through...and, we changed our minds back to domestic adoption going through their Sayers Program. (http://www.cradle.org/adopt_aa.html)
We sent our application and fee in this week, and I've gotten started working on our profile and the "Dear Birthmother" letter - I am sure I'll have to do a few re-writes, but I'm so excited I can't wait! Today when I got home from work and checked my email, we had an email message from the Cradle with the name of our adoption counselor!!! Her name is Sue and she will be calling us soon to schedule our initial consultation!
We're going to start remodeling the nursery over Labor Day - we have a lot of work to do so we want to get started ASAP! By this time next year, we could be bringing home a brand new baby!
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